So I haven't posted in a while. I went to fly to Canada and my flight was delayed so long I would have missed my connecting flight and would have been stuck in Phoenix. SO, my aunt called to try and switch me to a different flight, I was just going to change it to the next day but my aunt told me they had moved my mom to the palliative care unit in the hospital and they didn't know if I would make it in time to say goodbye. I barely made the flight but got into Canada just after midnight. I then had a 3 hour drive to get to my hometown where my mom was. I got to the hospital at about 3am and was really shocked at how bad my mom really looked. Her normal vibrant spirit seemed to be completely gone. She was on oxygen which she wouldn't keep on her face and you couldn't understand what she said.
It broke my heart. It broke me.
I stayed for a while and then went to my mom's house to see how my brother was doing. I couldn't sleep. Everytime I tried to lay down I had nightmares, so I started cleaning instead.
I went back to the hospital later that morning, and took my brother with me. We sat and held her hands, and cried. We tried to talk with her but it was hard. After a while he needed to get out of there so he went home. She had a lot of visitors, my sister-in-law, my nephew, and my oldest brother came too. I ran some errands and then went back to the hospital. Mom had a very lucid moment when there wasn't anyone else around and she asked me straight out,"Am I going to be going home?" I said no. She asked why and I told her,"mom the cancer has spread, they got your tests results back and its very bad." I told her that I know she always tries to be the strong one but that this time she didn't have to anymore, that it was okay if she let go. She cried but I think she understood. I found out that she wasn't on any painkillers anymore because her brain wasn't registering pain anymore, which was a bad thing because it meant her body was just shutting down.
I stayed for a bit and then went back to the house to have some supper with my brother. I tried to get a couple hours of sleep and then my aunt called me in the morning to go back to the hospital. I tried to get my brother to come with me but he wouldn't. By the time I got to the hospital everyone was waiting, in the night my mom had decided she'd had enough, that the time had come, and she stopped her oxygen. She passed away a few minutes after I got to her room. I feel so guilty I didn't stay in the hospital with her the night before....
Mom was cremated and the next few days were such a blur. I'm still in denial. I still feel like I am going to wake up and its all going to have been just a bad dream.
I pick up the phone so many times a day to call her and then realise she's not there anymore. It just hurts so bad. My soul aches.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Bad news
I got the call Tuesday from my aunt that my mom was back in the hospital. Her friend Kelly had gone to check on her in the morning and she was sitting on the side of the bed, very out of it. So she helped her to the bathroom and then out to the chair. Mom was having a hard time breathing and her color wasn't good. So Kelly called the paramedics who came and gave mom some oxygen and checked her out. Apparently her oxygen levels were only at 23 when they got there so they took her to the hospital.
They got her oxygen levels back up to 95 and started running tests to find out what was wrong. Mom was in a very sedated state and just kept falling asleep. Kelly thought perhaps she had taken too much morphine. They figured out that mom is an undiagnosed diabetic and they stabilized her sugars. They also found out she had a urinary tract infection and gave her antibiotics for that. They let the meds get out of her system and thought that if the meds were causing the sedated state that she would be more alert by the morning. But she wasn't. She hadn't had any meds at all and she was still drowsy and falling asleep. So they ran more tests. Her results from her catscan the week before were supposed to be in soon too. I got really tired of hearing everything second hand from my aunt and mom's friends so I called and talked to the nurse myself.
She said they wouldn't get any test results back until the next day (thursday). So I waited until then. My aunt called and told me the results weren't good. The cancer has spread a lot more, very aggressively. And the doctors say there isn't anything they can do anymore. They aren't running any more tests, or giving her any more treatments. They said there isn't any point. She is also in so much pain that they have to keep her heavily medicated and she is very very out of it. They said they want to keep her as comfortable as possible and with as much dignity as they can for her final days, they don't know whether she has days or months left but that she is dying and its only a matter of time.
After I learned all this my aunt said she was going to tell my brother when he got home from work and I said ok. I thought it was a good idea, so I didn't text him to tell him. I thought it would be easier on him if she told him in person. Tonight I got a text from him telling me I shouldn't have listened to her and I should have told him. He's so upset with me. I feel horrible. He's right, he's a grown man and I should have just told him rather than try to protect him.
At this point I am going to try and fly up there to see my mom, although I don't know how much of a visit we will get. I tried to talk to her on the phone and I don't think she even knew it was me she was talking to.
She's my mom and I can't even be there for her. I feel so horrible. I can only stay there for a few days too because its Kaitlyn's birthday the next weekend. I need to make sure my kids have some semblance of normalcy throughout all of this. Its all I can do.
They got her oxygen levels back up to 95 and started running tests to find out what was wrong. Mom was in a very sedated state and just kept falling asleep. Kelly thought perhaps she had taken too much morphine. They figured out that mom is an undiagnosed diabetic and they stabilized her sugars. They also found out she had a urinary tract infection and gave her antibiotics for that. They let the meds get out of her system and thought that if the meds were causing the sedated state that she would be more alert by the morning. But she wasn't. She hadn't had any meds at all and she was still drowsy and falling asleep. So they ran more tests. Her results from her catscan the week before were supposed to be in soon too. I got really tired of hearing everything second hand from my aunt and mom's friends so I called and talked to the nurse myself.
She said they wouldn't get any test results back until the next day (thursday). So I waited until then. My aunt called and told me the results weren't good. The cancer has spread a lot more, very aggressively. And the doctors say there isn't anything they can do anymore. They aren't running any more tests, or giving her any more treatments. They said there isn't any point. She is also in so much pain that they have to keep her heavily medicated and she is very very out of it. They said they want to keep her as comfortable as possible and with as much dignity as they can for her final days, they don't know whether she has days or months left but that she is dying and its only a matter of time.
After I learned all this my aunt said she was going to tell my brother when he got home from work and I said ok. I thought it was a good idea, so I didn't text him to tell him. I thought it would be easier on him if she told him in person. Tonight I got a text from him telling me I shouldn't have listened to her and I should have told him. He's so upset with me. I feel horrible. He's right, he's a grown man and I should have just told him rather than try to protect him.
At this point I am going to try and fly up there to see my mom, although I don't know how much of a visit we will get. I tried to talk to her on the phone and I don't think she even knew it was me she was talking to.
She's my mom and I can't even be there for her. I feel so horrible. I can only stay there for a few days too because its Kaitlyn's birthday the next weekend. I need to make sure my kids have some semblance of normalcy throughout all of this. Its all I can do.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Things not looking up
I haven't been on in a bit... Mom finally was feeling a bit better and thought maybe the medication was working. Her spirits were a bit higher for once.. which was a really good thing. Then her doctor called on the 4th and gave her the bad news from her test results... that her hormone therapy drugs weren't working anymore and that the cancer had spread to more areas of the bone.
Now its in her shoulder and elbow as well. They also told her the extreme pain she's having might mean that she has fractured something. I don't know if you know much about bone cancer, but there are two different kinds, one kind makes your bones soft and mushy, and the other kind makes them brittle and full of holes (like swiss cheese), my mom has the swiss cheese bones. It was so bad in her hip and leg that they said she could just stand up and break her leg.
The doctors also want to switch her to a new medication but its not covered under her health care and will cost $900 a month!! My mom doesn't have that kind of money, and I feel so guilty that I don't have it either. My mom's on disability and can barely support herself, let alone pay an extra $900 for medication. The doctor told her that she could try this "other" medication but it has a really high risk for blood clots so then she would have to be on blood thinners, and apparently its really dangerous. They also told her she needs more radiation on the new areas and they bumped up her other tests from September to next week. So she has to go in on Tuesday for a catscan and then bloodwork later.
The news hit her really hard, she was crying when she phoned me. It hit me hard too... and for some reason I got really angry at my aunt. Back story - I had previously called my aunt a few weeks ago because I was worried about my mom, and my aunt pretty well told me that mom's pain was just arthritis and that mom was just doing it for sympathy. So now they tell mom its the cancer and all I can think of is - you stupid woman... arthritis??? really? I'm just SO mad at her... how dare she treat my mother like that! I asked mom what she said when she told her about the doctor's phone call, and all she said was "I think she was crying". "Good" I thought, "I hope she feels horrible for the things she said!" I still feel that way, and I don't know if its because I really am mad at her, or if I am just so upset about my mom.
I also feel so guilty about not being able to take care of my mom. I worry about her constantly, did she take her pills today? Did she eat? Is the lawn mowed? Does she need her groceries? Did she get a shower? I wish more than anything I could be there to take care of her, but with 3 kids of my own to take care of, its just not possible. Not for me. Not being in a different country and soo far away. My mom did it, she gave up everything and stayed home to take care of her mom and then her dad when they had cancer, when they were dying.
I grew up with my grandfather like that.
I grew up haveing to drive my grandfather to the city in the morning for his chemo and then home just in time to go to school. I would go upstairs to give him his medication, his inhalers, to cook his food and clean his place. I would cut his hair for him and do his laundry. It was normal. And when I was 14 and he died it hit me like a ton of bricks. He was like my father, he was a constant, he was the reason I excelled at everything, the reason I tried. I wanted more than anything for him to be proud of me. And then he was gone. No more stories about catching gophers and no more sarcastic comments that made me laugh. He was just gone.
And I know what you are going to say... he was on chemo... he had cancer... was it really a surprise? Yes, because when you're 14 you don't see the things around you like that. I saw his spirit, his spirit never faltered, it was the same everyday. I never saw him physically failing day after day, over the years, it was so slow that I never saw it. Now when I look back at photos I can see how bad he had become, how sick... I look at cards he wrote in and see how shaky his writing had become... how could I have not seen it?
And now my mom is going through the same thing and I wish I could be there. She could do it for them but I can't for her. She is my best friend, I talk to her everyday, I tell her everything. She is the one person who has never judged me... not when I told her I was pregnant when I was 17, not when I ran away with a boy when I was 13, not when I got married, or went to college, or had my other children... if I was ever upset about something or screwed up my life doing something stupid... she would just say "we'll get through this". And I want her to know it will be the same this time... I know she probably won't be around much longer... but I can hope she will... and I know... we'll get through this.
Now its in her shoulder and elbow as well. They also told her the extreme pain she's having might mean that she has fractured something. I don't know if you know much about bone cancer, but there are two different kinds, one kind makes your bones soft and mushy, and the other kind makes them brittle and full of holes (like swiss cheese), my mom has the swiss cheese bones. It was so bad in her hip and leg that they said she could just stand up and break her leg.
The doctors also want to switch her to a new medication but its not covered under her health care and will cost $900 a month!! My mom doesn't have that kind of money, and I feel so guilty that I don't have it either. My mom's on disability and can barely support herself, let alone pay an extra $900 for medication. The doctor told her that she could try this "other" medication but it has a really high risk for blood clots so then she would have to be on blood thinners, and apparently its really dangerous. They also told her she needs more radiation on the new areas and they bumped up her other tests from September to next week. So she has to go in on Tuesday for a catscan and then bloodwork later.
The news hit her really hard, she was crying when she phoned me. It hit me hard too... and for some reason I got really angry at my aunt. Back story - I had previously called my aunt a few weeks ago because I was worried about my mom, and my aunt pretty well told me that mom's pain was just arthritis and that mom was just doing it for sympathy. So now they tell mom its the cancer and all I can think of is - you stupid woman... arthritis??? really? I'm just SO mad at her... how dare she treat my mother like that! I asked mom what she said when she told her about the doctor's phone call, and all she said was "I think she was crying". "Good" I thought, "I hope she feels horrible for the things she said!" I still feel that way, and I don't know if its because I really am mad at her, or if I am just so upset about my mom.
I also feel so guilty about not being able to take care of my mom. I worry about her constantly, did she take her pills today? Did she eat? Is the lawn mowed? Does she need her groceries? Did she get a shower? I wish more than anything I could be there to take care of her, but with 3 kids of my own to take care of, its just not possible. Not for me. Not being in a different country and soo far away. My mom did it, she gave up everything and stayed home to take care of her mom and then her dad when they had cancer, when they were dying.
I grew up with my grandfather like that.
I grew up haveing to drive my grandfather to the city in the morning for his chemo and then home just in time to go to school. I would go upstairs to give him his medication, his inhalers, to cook his food and clean his place. I would cut his hair for him and do his laundry. It was normal. And when I was 14 and he died it hit me like a ton of bricks. He was like my father, he was a constant, he was the reason I excelled at everything, the reason I tried. I wanted more than anything for him to be proud of me. And then he was gone. No more stories about catching gophers and no more sarcastic comments that made me laugh. He was just gone.
And I know what you are going to say... he was on chemo... he had cancer... was it really a surprise? Yes, because when you're 14 you don't see the things around you like that. I saw his spirit, his spirit never faltered, it was the same everyday. I never saw him physically failing day after day, over the years, it was so slow that I never saw it. Now when I look back at photos I can see how bad he had become, how sick... I look at cards he wrote in and see how shaky his writing had become... how could I have not seen it?
And now my mom is going through the same thing and I wish I could be there. She could do it for them but I can't for her. She is my best friend, I talk to her everyday, I tell her everything. She is the one person who has never judged me... not when I told her I was pregnant when I was 17, not when I ran away with a boy when I was 13, not when I got married, or went to college, or had my other children... if I was ever upset about something or screwed up my life doing something stupid... she would just say "we'll get through this". And I want her to know it will be the same this time... I know she probably won't be around much longer... but I can hope she will... and I know... we'll get through this.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
update
Just heard from my mom, she had just gotten back home 9:30pm my time. Which is like 7:30pm her time. Her appointment was at noon! The place is two hours away which means they left the cityfor home at 5:30pm. She was at the doctor's for 5 and a half hours!! That is just ridiculous! She said they "lost" the order from the doctor for her tests. I am so frustrated with the medical community, it seems like everywhere she goes there are problems. Now she has to wait 4 days for the results.
Waiting...
It seems like half my life is spent just waiting. My mom called this morning because she has some appointments at the cancer clinic this afternoon. More tests. She won't have any answers today though, the doctor said they will phone her August 4th and let her know what's going on. Hurry up and wait, right?
She hasn't been feeling very well lately. She has been on morphine for the past two years to manage the pain but the past month of so it hasn't been helping at all. She says it doesn't take away any of the pain at all anymore, so she has been to the hospital four times this past week. They don't help either, they just increased her morphine twice, which she said still isn't helping the pain, and now she is so loopy from the morphine she can't even have a conversation anymore.
She hasn't been feeling very well lately. She has been on morphine for the past two years to manage the pain but the past month of so it hasn't been helping at all. She says it doesn't take away any of the pain at all anymore, so she has been to the hospital four times this past week. They don't help either, they just increased her morphine twice, which she said still isn't helping the pain, and now she is so loopy from the morphine she can't even have a conversation anymore.
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