So I haven't posted in a while. I went to fly to Canada and my flight was delayed so long I would have missed my connecting flight and would have been stuck in Phoenix. SO, my aunt called to try and switch me to a different flight, I was just going to change it to the next day but my aunt told me they had moved my mom to the palliative care unit in the hospital and they didn't know if I would make it in time to say goodbye. I barely made the flight but got into Canada just after midnight. I then had a 3 hour drive to get to my hometown where my mom was. I got to the hospital at about 3am and was really shocked at how bad my mom really looked. Her normal vibrant spirit seemed to be completely gone. She was on oxygen which she wouldn't keep on her face and you couldn't understand what she said.
It broke my heart. It broke me.
I stayed for a while and then went to my mom's house to see how my brother was doing. I couldn't sleep. Everytime I tried to lay down I had nightmares, so I started cleaning instead.
I went back to the hospital later that morning, and took my brother with me. We sat and held her hands, and cried. We tried to talk with her but it was hard. After a while he needed to get out of there so he went home. She had a lot of visitors, my sister-in-law, my nephew, and my oldest brother came too. I ran some errands and then went back to the hospital. Mom had a very lucid moment when there wasn't anyone else around and she asked me straight out,"Am I going to be going home?" I said no. She asked why and I told her,"mom the cancer has spread, they got your tests results back and its very bad." I told her that I know she always tries to be the strong one but that this time she didn't have to anymore, that it was okay if she let go. She cried but I think she understood. I found out that she wasn't on any painkillers anymore because her brain wasn't registering pain anymore, which was a bad thing because it meant her body was just shutting down.
I stayed for a bit and then went back to the house to have some supper with my brother. I tried to get a couple hours of sleep and then my aunt called me in the morning to go back to the hospital. I tried to get my brother to come with me but he wouldn't. By the time I got to the hospital everyone was waiting, in the night my mom had decided she'd had enough, that the time had come, and she stopped her oxygen. She passed away a few minutes after I got to her room. I feel so guilty I didn't stay in the hospital with her the night before....
Mom was cremated and the next few days were such a blur. I'm still in denial. I still feel like I am going to wake up and its all going to have been just a bad dream.
I pick up the phone so many times a day to call her and then realise she's not there anymore. It just hurts so bad. My soul aches.
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